Get out of my head

So throughout my life i have always found myself to be fat. Not just overweight but FAT. So it makes sense that from time to time i look in the mirror and just sigh. Not a sigh of contentment but of defeat. Like i have nothing left to give. Like i have nothing left to prove to the world or myself. Like i need to give up before i can face the great feeling of weight loss and then the utter let down of self sabotage.
I suppose things go WAY back. Back to the days when I was never as big as I thought i was. Back to when i would look in the mirror, at 8 years old, and see a whale. Looking back, i was NEVER that big. How could i have thought that i was huge back then? I see pictures of a healthy child, not a fat child.
I guess what all those other kids said was a lie...who would have thought? Who would have thought that nasty adults would ever lie to me? When my babysitter told me that i was disgusting...why did i believe it? Of course if my mother knew what was going on she would have gone pro-wrestler on her ass, but of course, i was terrified that my mom...the only strength i knew, would be hurt. So i kept silent.
And it continued into my adolescence and into adult hood. Always feeling bigger than i actually was. I should have been happy with my weight, but instead i hated myself. And now...as i have been putting off weighing myself for the last three months, i realize why. Because i have become that girl...the one that is always over weight...and to think, if i had just ignored what people were saying 10 years ago, i may be a different person today. But the fact is that, with out a doubt, i believed them. When i looked in the mirror i didn't see health. I saw worse. I saw disgusting. I saw something to be ashamed of. I saw no reason to try because they wouldn't accept me anyways. Unless i was one of the beautiful ones. One of the women that were born with a destiny to have 36-28-34. But that's not me. So i have to work.
And i'm ok with that. Finally i think i'm ok with it. I don't care what they think anymore. I CAN'T care what they think any more because it's not about them. It's about me. And that's the only person i can control. And i plan to do it.
I'm not happy about my weight today..but maybe next week i will be. And the week after that, i hope to be even happier.

We'll see....

wish me luck.
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